Whilst writing an article on communication in relationships I was just reflecting on my own relationship with emotions. I used to think so much to stop feeling my feelings – this was totally unconscious behaviour. I was so disconnected from my feelings I wasn’t able to share them or really understand my wife’s, in fact I used to be scared of her emotions.

It was in the depths and lowest point of our fertility journey that I became more comfortable with emotions and began to understand they were not something I had to be scared of! Or even something I had to fight or change. The more I understood emotions the more peace of mind I felt on our journey, it felt like getting off the emotional rollercoaster.

So what is an emotion/feeling? Here’s a summary of what I’ve learn’t over the years!

An emotion is a spontaneous reaction to an situation. It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It just is. You cannot control what you feel, it is spontaneous.

The problem is that we have a mis-understanding of what a feeling really is. We think it is telling us something in the physical world we live in. We think we are feeling our circumstances. The truth is we are only ever feeling our thinking.

Your thinking paints a picture of ‘reality’ that is not true, however it is convincing and believable and we forget it is just thought. It is so believable that we start to think about what we need to do about that ‘reality’ and before we know it one thought has led to another and we are telling ourselves all sorts of stories that are not true.

For example, if your boss is short with you, you may think that you have done something wrong or that they are angry with you. You don’t actually know that is the case. Perhaps they have just had an argument with their partner on the phone before coming to speak with you. We can often tell ourselves all sorts of things that are plausible and believable. Before you know it you are feeling rubbish because you think you are in trouble or you think your boss thinks poorly of you.

So what is real? What is truth? Our thinking creates a separate reality that is so realistic with this it is reality. In this place when others don’t think like us we think there is something wrong with them. In this place we are the reason people are upset or have not replied to the text we sent two minutes ago. In this place we can feel like a victim. In this place life can feel like a struggle because what we think we need to be OK we can’t actually control.

When we understand what’s behind our human experience, that thoughts and feelings are not created by life circumstances, or anything outside of us, we don’t waste time being in this separate reality. We can see it for what it is. We can come back to the here and now, with clarity and perspective.

This puts us in the place of respecting people who think differently to us. A place of knowing we are OK and we cannot make anyone feel anything as they are feeling their thinking A place of knowing whatever happens in the future you are going to be OK as you’re innate wellbeing is with you, you were born with it. It’s a birth right. You see it in children. That’s how we come in to the world uncontaminated with our habitual thinking.

It’s a place where we fall in to a more healthy psychological state and thus physical state. It stems the tide of fear and negative thinking that allows you to harness the mind-body link far more effectively and powerfully. When I ‘got’ this, we became pregnant naturally having been told it would be a 1 in a billion chance of it happening.